Funny thoughts came to my mind today…
It feels like life is passing by and nothing is being achieved. Somehow, by now, I would have counted on a whole lot of great happenings and experiences that just didn’t occured yet.
I always thought that when I was a 40 year old woman I would have already collected amazing stories and lived such a life that would be worth telling in a book, for posterity, for my great grand children to read, one day, and be proud of my courage and boldness.
So, here I am, kind of feeling like a child and still awaiting for my opportunity to live. I am not feeling sorry for myself but I am sure to specially proud of the not amazing life path I have taken so far.
I spent most 20 years in a empty relationship with a mummy that I used to call husband, but today I realized that i became kind of a mummy myself during this long story.
The one amazing thing I did for sure was to make, give birth and raise a fantastic child. But of course if that is a successful story it’s also due to his own beautiful being, as a sweet baby that became a dear boy and a beautiful boy who is becoming a great man, gradually, showing that he is his own person, influenced of course by his good raising but despite all external influences, he is, indeed, a strong, kind and intelligent man. I am proud of being a mom, no doubt. That’s definetely my one sure case of no regrets.
But now, that I am thrown back at life as an individual, all this questions about my purpose in life is overwhelming and scaring the hell out of me, because deep inside I expected much more out of my existence, and as an individual I feel that I owe much more to myself, both in experiences and achievements.
I realized i want much more from life.
I need more.
And eventhough it takes a great dosis of unattachment and bravery to start up an amazing new life, it also requires real courage and self-love to realize such a journey. In order to be fair to my essence I need to follow my bliss and to be extreamely honest with myself.
I feel that i spent the first 40 years of my life trying to please others and that can never be satisfying enough for any side of the game. In a way, i gave most of the people in my life, the mistaken impression that my purpose of existence was to be a part of their plans and dreams, while I neglected my own hopes and wishes.
I had enough of being people’s life-excuses and life-extensions. I had enough of selfish pseudo friends who fed my anxiety for happy endings. I had enough of coming second or last on my own experience. I had enough of postponing my purposes. I’m finally getting ready to fly and I will do so, soon, and yet, I’m already doing it. It will not be for anyone but myself, therefore I’m carefull enough to not drive over anyone’s hearts and feelings, simply because that’s not who I am. This is a lonely journey. This is like life itself, but with one very defined aim to persue and reach wholeness, and finally: happiness.